I finally feel like I’m at a turning point where I have hope for the future. 7 months ago my husband who I was together with for 10 years and deeply in love with suddenly told me he wanted to be single. I’m learning this is a more common than I knew. This quick unraveling of one’s life in an instant. I think it’s important for me to write about for my own healing, but also to share that we’re not alone on this path of dramatic ups and downs and hopefully resilience.
I was in shock and deep grief for the first 3 months or so. This happened in mid-November and he moved out right away and I experienced the first Thanksgiving in a decade with friends, then my 36th birthday surrounded by friends, then I went home to Maine for the holidays and spent over 2 weeks with my family. I feel so incredibly blessed by all the support I had during this time. I remember in Maine I would wake up like I was in a bad nightmare, go to yoga in the mid-morning with my mom and instead of feeling calm afterwards like most– all the anger would well up and I would feel seething rage. I would go for an hour long walk in the freezing December cold to the beach until my legs were completely numb. Then I would come home and take a shower and read and sob in bed until my mom would call me down for dinner and then back to bed. Then repeat this the next day. I felt like I was dying. I really wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the next day and sometimes hour. I feel grateful for my family and this time and simple routine and care-taking.
A self-portrait during this time:
I don’t wish this rug pulling out experience of life on my worst enemy. I don’t wish any ill will towards my husband who is walking his own path. I send him goodwill every day and I would not be who I am today with out him. And yet it is my story to share as I need to and make no apologies here for my openness.
I love this Leonard Cohen quote below and it rings true:
To be continued… xoxoxo
Mati