rambling clarity post-yoga class (held in this bizzaro pre-school room with toddler toys abound & a kind teacher).
i don’t want to live a conventional life. notes to self.
to live like this cactus and bouganvilla~ lush & fierce. sometimes i forget that and get sucked into the… i don’t have this or that (the status of owning homes and cars and possessions and assets) and feel small and limited. wake up!
or even marriage or children… the questions and the etiquette involved. makes my tounge feel like wool.
then i feel like i’m tryin to please everyone, but myself.
i want to feel these answers for myself deeply, not just as an answer to stop the questions.
i want to go on a much needed road-trip! a self designed artist residency perhaps?
i want to take a trip by myself to… new mexico… big sur, maybe dolores park with a sketch pad will do.
big and wide and open space.
i want to forge a new path; be a pioneer.
have balance in my own way. be unconventionally responsible in my own way.
stay out wicked late.
watch all the bad girly movies the hip kids at the video store would never recommend (unless they were being ironic)… “maid in manhattan”, perhaps?
sleep in and read a book for hours. chocolate croissant crumbs in my bed.
play.
dance… this girl has not danced in forever… where would i even go?
dye my hair and clothes crazy beautiful colors.
wine on the rooftop.
enjoy the life i’ve built.
get angry. have confrontations!
be silly.
goof off.
or cry uncontrollably in a public park for what feels like no reason & every (that would be saturday).
breathe deep. let the uncertainties rise up.
risk that.
feel the feelings.
let go. let go. let go.
risk being unliked.
risk being liked too much.
love too much.
make out in public.
make mistakes.
be taboo… i love my co-worker for drawing pictures of her bikini wax last night.
be a dork (my studio mate lolo wears a belt that says DORK and this i love)
better the world… in… my own way. it’s enough.
live authentically to myself.
speak up.
trust myself.
rebel against convention.
welcome my artistic epiphanies and don’t judge them before they get on the page. let it go.
make my own uncool.
i want to take the best of childhood creativity and presentness and carefreeness (in truth i think i did a fair share of worrying in childhood and that is why i am stuck reflecting there a bit and cherishing the good full memories) and integrate it into the power of being an adult and revel in it all.
be earnest. be passionate. have integrity. listen to what makes me happy first and the rest will follow.
there are no rules. just self-imposed should do’s.
i get why that man walks back and fourth in front of the restaurant all day smiling and joking with himself, and when i said “he makes me sad” and the bartender replied “maybe you make him sad inside here working all day”. he is part of my fear of being truly unconventional.
do it my own way. who cares?!
what is stopping me/you?
today i need to write these words to remember.
